There’s more to being Indian than attending weddings/planning weddings/being asked when your wedding will take place. In fact, there are many nuances to your behavior that determine whether you’re the sort of lovely catch that aunties will brag about to their sons, or you’ll be that girl stumbling out of the sangeet with your sari unravelling and shoes missing (true story).
Take this totally unscientific quiz to find out where you fall on the scale from respectable to rebellious.
1. You’re an unmarried girl at a wedding and every auntie is asking, “When’s your turn?” What most sounds like your reply?
A) “Oh, I’ve already been married twice! I guess I totally forgot to invite you to both of my weddings! This is awkward…”
B) “Thank you for asking. I haven’t found anyone yet.”
C) “I’ve visited over 50 pandits and astrologers and given them the date, time and place of my birth. Looks like the stars are not aligning for me just yet. What woe has befallen me?! I’m sure after I do several pujas it will all be OK and I’ll find my perfect karmic match.”
2. Complete the sentence: Miniskirts are…
A) The best thing since sliced bread. That’s obviously why they sliced the skirt too.
B) Appropriate at the beach – but only when you’re on a trip with friends, not family.
C) Best used as a dishcloth.
3. In history class, when Mrs. Patel brought up the “British Raj”, what was your response?
A) “How do you know my cousin Raj in Manchester?”
B) “I know it was the time of British rule in India, but I need to ask Professor Google for more details.”
C) “Well <adjusts monocle, tightens suspenders> history books state that the British Crown established its control in the Indian subcontinent from 1858 to 1947, and the numerous events that took place during this time are extremely important in understanding modern-day India.”
4. What’s your biggest fashion regret?
A) Not having a pierced belly button/tramp stamp to flaunt with your crop top.
B) Wearing the wrong underwear resulting in visible panty lines.
C) Showing too much ankle.
5. Solve this puzzle: Sonia is married to Sanjay, who has three brothers named Kunal, Sunil and Raj. They are married to Dimple, Poonam and Sangeeta, respectively. Every evening, Kunal and Sunil meet up with their second cousins twice removed from their father’s side to have some masala chai and talk about business. With this information, please figure out how many spoons of sugar Sanjay takes with his tea.
B) It depends on how many biscuits he consumes with his tea.
6. What would your shaadi.com matrimonial ad sound like?
A) What’s shaadi.com? Is that like the Indian Tinder?
B) All castes accepted. All credit cards accepted too.
C) Homely girl with fair-to-wheatish complexion seeks lifelong mate of good family, character and profession.
7. Describe your ideal first date outfit.
A) That skintight LBD that leaves little to the imagination. Wait, that’s pretty much my ideal outfit for any occasion.
B) The safe high-low dress you reserve for sorta important events.
C) A bridal lengha because you plan to meet your date for the first time at your wedding.
8. For what reasons would people be most likely to gossip about you?
A) You dress slutty, you drink too much, you’ve been known to fraternize with multiple men.
B) For needing subtitles to understand Bollywood movies.
C) That one time you under-fried the samosas before serving them.
9. You’re about to leave the house and your parents demand you go back to your room and change. (Yes, you know you still live at home with your family.) What do you do?
A) Scream, “Ugh! You guys totally don’t understand fah-shawn!” then go on a tirade about how you saw Auntie Twinkle’s daughter wearing something way, way worse and much, much shorter last week before leaving the house in a huff… then coming home way past curfew.
B) Change the offending article of clothing but keep everything else intact.
C) This has never happened to me.
10. In three words you are…
A) Unconventional, daring, creative.
B) Pleasant, respectful, nonchalant.
C) Seeking, a, husband.
IF YOU ANSWERED…
MOSTLY A’s: Welcome Rebel! Before you read any further, please take a moment and apologize to your parents for all those sleepless nights and stress you have caused them. Oh, forgive me, rebels don’t apologize. After all, why should you say sorry when you feel like you’re the only person who understands you? Although you may spend more time defending your individualistic choices – friends, relationships, that “not wearing pants” is a real fashion thing – you actually love the fact that while everyone else is taking part in choreographed wedding dances, you get to hang out at the bar and flirt with boys.
MOSTLY B’s: Hi there Lovely! Yes, I realize one of you reading this may be named “Lovely” given the trend of Indian nicknames (right, Candy?). But nonetheless, you are generally considered quite a doll for your affable nature. You’re not out to shake up society or defy anyone per se, but you do sometimes find yourself wondering why it’s acceptable to expose so much skin in a sari, but not in a bikini. Your general idea of rebelling is taking a photo in front of a “No Photo” sign… but we love you anyway.
MOSTLY C’s: Namaste Auntie-in-Training! You’re the dream daughter our parents all wish they had – the one who actually listened to her elders and took notes during those Roti-Making 101 courses. Now, your bread is rounder and fluffier than anyone else’s in the house where you and all 96 of your relatives live. Even though some of us may be acting out now and thinking we know better, you’re the one we’ll eventually come to when we don’t know what to do with our own rebellious daughters.