Category Archives: Humor

OUTFITS TO-GO

Added to the list of “Things They Don’t Tell You When You Have Kids” is that you can forget about making plans in advance. It’s like children have an inbuilt radar that detects when mommy really, really, really needs a night out to be covered in her own spit-up from drinking too much wine as opposed to the baby vomit she’s showered with daily.

But the moment you’ve confirmed dinner with your friends is when your child will decide to come down with some weird rash that Google makes sound more serious than it is, leaving you with no choice but to cancel your plans and make an emergency trip to the doctor.

Then alas! One day the twinkle twinkle little stars align and the kids actually go to bed at a decent time. They’ve washed their hands properly throughout the day so they haven’t ingested any weird germs. No noses have been running and they seem fine. Could you actually be free to go out? Is this really happening?

Quick! To the closet!

Don’t waste any time and use the following outfit formulas to speedily transform you from haggard mom to somewhat presentable human being.

FLOATY DRESS + STATEMENT SHOES

Shoes!!!

For the mom who: Feels her body has not been the same since having babies but still wants to look like her old stylish self.

The outfit: Your figure may have expanded but at least your feet have managed to stay cellulite-free. That’s an achievement, right? Start from the bottom up with a pair of eye-catching shoes. These feathered mules scream, “I’m so freakin’ ecstatic to be wearing something completely impractical that doesn’t require me to chase after any kids!”

While you may not have the same enthusiasm for your shape, there’s nothing wrong with a dress that skims over your body. In fact, when done properly a shapeless dress can actually be sexy*! This trapeze silhouette is more fitted up top then flares out below; however, it still looks flirty owing to the off-the-shoulder cut and hemline that goes above the knee. These elements can help make baggy pieces look intentional as opposed to sloppy.

(*My husband disagrees though and prefers more contoured clothes on women, but I’m not trying to impress him anyway since I don’t want to be impregnated again and further ruin my body.)

BASIC BASE + ROBE

Robes also provide extra fabric for your kids to use to wipe their boogers!

For the mom who: Wants some versatility in her look that can easily transition from diaper duty to wine duty.

The outfit: A basic base is instantly transformed with a robe. Besides adding a unique layer, robes can be mixed and matched with all types of outfits. Anybody can wear practical pants and a t-shirt; however, taking this extra (and easy) step shows some personality and style during this challenging period with small children where you just don’t have time to put together outfits.

Belt it for a makeshift dress, wear it with shorts for a contrasting silhouette, or do what we busy moms do and throw it on to hide all the stains left by our children. You can rotate between a selection of robes of varying prints, lengths and fabrics to easily make an old boring look feel new again.

MOM CLOTHES + ATHLEISURE 

Babies look good without even trying

For the mom who: Has no time to get ready because her kids wake up at ungodly hours/follow her into the bathroom/have decided to stop taking naps.

The outfit: “Throw something on” is the mom motto for getting dressed during hectic mornings (which is every morning when you’ve got kids). That usually means that you only ever head to the part of your wardrobe that houses your sweatpants and stained t-shirts because you’ve got 0.01 seconds to get dressed.

Luckily for you, athletic looks are now accepted as funky everyday attire that has no business actually being worn while being athletic. For the frazzled mom, this couldn’t come at a better time with joggers, leggings, tracksuits and sweatshirts being ideal kid-friendly apparel as well as a fashion statement. Invest in sporty pieces like this eye-catching track jacket which can be quickly added to your lazy mom clothes.

Now all you have to do is sneak away before the children’s radar goes off and thwarts you from getting out the door!

IN DEFENSE OF “MOM STYLE”

A woman wearing white high-waisted wide leg trousers, a ruffled ivory crop top and sky-high heels saunters into the cafe to meet her equally glamorous friends.

Another woman, standing at the counter ordering a latte to go, looks at her wistfully with half envy, half longing. She looks down at her own black leggings (pilled from overwear), stained powder blue button-down shirt, flip-flops and thinks to herself: “No way does she have kids.” She gets her coffee and quickly skulks out of the cafe for fear of anyone seeing her.

Can you guess which woman is me?

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FEEL GOOD LOOKS

One year after the birth of my child, I’m still perplexed by the postpartum body I’ve been left with. In fact, I barely give my reflection more than a quick glance – if seeing is believing, I don’t want to believe.

It’s not just the layer of fat that has grown on me as if I’m still carrying babies in my belly, back and thighs. My shoulders seem permanently widened and I wish my broadened hips would lie.

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STYLE CHALLENGE: THE “UGLY” SHIRT

We all have those items of clothing in our closet that we naturally skip over. It could be a pencil skirt that doesn’t go up past your thighs anymore but you keep in the vain hope that “It gets harder to lose weight as you get older” doesn’t apply to you. Maybe it’s the perfect white T-shirt with imperfect yellow armpit stains that you won’t wear or throw out until you find a suitable replacement.

And then there’s the “What was I thinking when I bought it?” pieces that seemed like a good idea at the time but now hang there rejected while every other apparel gets asked to dance.

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BEING A MOM-ME

Nothing could have prepared me to be a mom. Sure, other parents warned me I could forget about uninterrupted sleep, taking long baths, or having any time to pamper myself. And while all these things became very true when my son was born, I didn’t mind.

Giving up small luxuries (that I completely took for granted before) was part of being a mom in my opinion. So what if my showers are so quick and haphazard that I sometimes mistake the toothpaste for face wash? It’s my job to sacrifice! I have to do everything to take care of my son!

I was able to continue in this manner for a few months until…

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DRESSED FOR BREAST

Before I had a child, breasts were merely for hanging out of too-tight tops in the hopes of luring a man. I suppose that tactic worked because one of those men became my husband. Now I’ve come full circle as those same breasts are still hanging out of too-tight tops (due to leftover pregnancy weight) to lure another man – this time of the baby variety.

Being a breastfeeding mom has been one of the most difficult and rewarding experiences of my life. My son has confounded and surprised me in every possible way. One day he screams for the boob, the next day he screams to get off it. He used to reject my left side, now he favors it. He initially used to hate my fast milk flow, now he fusses if it comes too slow.

However, all these issues pale in comparison to the most important part of breastfeeding:

What the heck do I wear?!

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REBEL WITH A BABY

It’s a miracle that I’m even able to type these words with my little miracle permanently affixed to my breast, burp cloth hanging off my shoulder, and spit up all over my shirt because burp cloths are actually useless for catching the many mysterious things that babies eject.

But here I am, writing my first post since I became a mother. The keyboard feels strange as my hands have mostly been used to help release trapped air from my baby’s belly. The computer screen looks fuzzy given the lack of sleep in the eight weeks since I gave birth. I should get a medal for being able to compose coherent sentences since it also seems that I won’t be sleeping for the next 18 years since giving birth.

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MAXI(MUM) COVERAGE

Now that I’m well into the last trimester of my pregnancy with about two weeks to go before I’m supposed to push out a baby (it feels like ripping off a band-aid, right?!), wearing attire that doesn’t solely consist of pajamas is getting more and more difficult.

My lovely baby is thriving in my belly which means I’m constantly devoid of energy and my ass has more blubber than I’ve ever seen in my life – although I’m not sure it’s fair to blame an innocent child for my big butt when the cause may be the box of chocolates that’s permanently attached to my hand.

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BUMP STYLE: FAT OR PREGNANT?

As you may have read from my previous post, I am officially a first-time pregnant woman watching my belly stretch and expand each day. However, for some who don’t know any better, this has also been misconstrued as, “Wow, you’ve really gained a lot of weight since you’ve been married!”

There seems to be a very specific look that people associate with pregnancy. This isn’t made easy when your body is still transitioning through all the stages of carrying a child. It’s not like you conceive and automatically wake up with a visible and perfectly formed bump – it takes a while for your stomach to shape itself into what is recognized as “pregnant”.

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THE PREGETARIAN DIET

“Wow, you look like you’ve gained some weight!”

“Your face seems extra pale today.”

Why do you appear so tired lately?”

“Are you ill?”

Have you ever yearned for people to make these comments to you? Has your life been incomplete without these wonderful observations from others?

Well, I’ve got the surefire solution to make sure that you’re always the recipient of such delightful remarks… All you have to do is become a pregetarian!

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