“Wow, you look like you’ve gained some weight!”

“Your face seems extra pale today.”

Why do you appear so tired lately?”

“Are you ill?”

Have you ever yearned for people to make these comments to you? Has your life been incomplete without these wonderful observations from others?

Well, I’ve got the surefire solution to make sure that you’re always the recipient of such delightful remarks… All you have to do is become a pregetarian!

What’s that you ask? Let me tell you all about it!

Being a pregetarian basically involves being your healthiest self for nine to 10 months, but instead of losing weight you actually get super fat! How great is that?

I’m excited to announce that I recently became a pregetarian myself, and have experienced quite the dramatic lifestyle transformation.

In the early days of pregetarianism, people began looking at me funny, sensing some change in my demeanor even if they didn’t know any better. They inquired to the sickly shade of my face (I normally receive the same comment when not wearing makeup), the bloating of the tummy (it’s called two dinners!), the cautious spring in my step (ever heard of laziness?!)… basically, everyone suddenly became a doctor, probing my every move and appearance.

Fine, if I look that bad, here’s a picture of my accessories instead!

If this has also happened to you before, don’t be offended! It just means that being a pregetarian is working for you and you will reap the benefits… eventually!

The path to true pregetarianism takes some getting used to in the beginning. Your body may initially react to this complete system overhaul by making you feel crappy and nauseous.

I believe the biological reason for this sickness is that your body is withdrawing from the copious amounts of wine you used to pump into it. Funnily enough, even without alcohol you still puke – it’s almost as a way to soothe you and make you feel like you’ve returned from another night of bad decisions, when in reality you’ve just spent the evening face down in your porcelain throne. It’s kind of a healthy hangover I suppose.

You may also start to notice slight changes to your frame as a result of turning pregetarian. Fat seems to buy a one-way ticket to your hips and flies there with no intention of ever returning. Your lady lumps take on an enlarged life of its own, which may seem sexy in theory, but actually just feel sore and hurt all the time. Stretch marks start appearing around your stomach, thighs, butt… all the places you used to despise anyway are now even more ghastly.

These instances may make you question why you ever decided to embark on the pregetarian diet when the wine diet had been working so well for you.

But then suddenly, about five months into becoming a pregetarian, you start to feel strange sensations like nothing you’ve ever felt before: a little flutter in your tummy, pokes and prods in your belly, jabs along your abdomen. No, it’s not the bean-induced gas you’re familiar with; it’s the moment all pregetarians wait for, the reminder that you’re not alone in this.

Your pale face, fatigued disposition and growing stomach don’t seem so bad anymore. You learn to tune out the comments from others while you tune in to what’s happening inside your own body.

The pregetarian diet is finally paying off! Choose to savor the experiences of the next few months because you know that when you’ve reached the end of this journey, you will have to go on a diet for real!