Although I spend most hot days sunning myself aboard my luxury yacht while dictating these words to my personal manservant, lately this summer of our discontent has caused me to lose every fight with “giving a damn about anything”. Completing arduous tasks like napping, sitting upright and breathing has been no easy feat.
The blistering weather has created thoughts in my brain that make as much sense as bucket candle monkey paper banana monocle… and perhaps even led me to be delusional enough to believe that I have a luxury yacht or personal manservant for that matter.
No, the sad truth is I’ve been forced to actually walk outside using my own two feet and curse the fact that public nudity isn’t (yet) socially acceptable where I live. As such, I’ve also had to find ways to dress kewl while staying cool in the hopes that a handsome stranger will brake in awe and offer me a ride in his air-conditioned vehicle.
Here are four summer outfit ideas I put together that have resulted in zero male drivers pulling over, but may give you some style inspiration so you don’t have to think too hard in this heat:
PRINT ON PRINT ON PRINT
The look: Leopard print! Stripes! Lightning bolts! Sequins! You can brave the summer by melting into monochromatic oblivion, or you can throw on all your best-loved clothes and accessories (your “happy pieces”) to pollute the atmosphere with your cheery style. I find that mixing and matching at least three of your favorite pieces results in a unique look that works every time, as well as effortlessly conveys your personal style. Go ahead, try it!
Heat advantage: Some naysayers may quip: “So a leopard can change his spots for stripes?” “Is your purse supposed to make it rain?” Of course, their comments won’t be as clever as what I just came up with, but they may still doubt your seemingly puzzling ensemble. To that just laugh maniacally while sucking your thumb and blame the scorching sun for making you a little kooky.
THE NOT-SO-LITTLE WHITE DRESS
The look: Who better to take hot weather inspiration from than those who actually live in desert countries. An embroidered cotton kaftan is precisely the item you need to sweat in style. This particular one was purchased in Egypt and I suppose you could fly there to buy one if you really want to, or search similar ones here. Avoid appearing like you took a wrong turn on the way to the desert by adding funky accessories – layered necklaces, a belt, a pancake-shaped purse if you please – to elevate the casual look.
Heat advantage: It may appear that I’ve cleverly chosen to wear white because light-colored clothing is supposedly better in scorching temperatures. However, I find that I still experience a slow, sweaty demise no matter what hue is sticking to my melting body. What is smart though is wearing cotton because it soaks up perspiration well and still allows you to remain somewhat dry and cool. This will be handy when you decide to chain yourself to your bedroom’s AC and live out the summer in your cotton pajamas.
I LIKE BIG BOWS AND I CANNOT LIE
The look: If there’s one piece of advice I like to give that makes me a hit at parties, it’s to avoid bright shirts in the summer for fear of embarrassingly obvious pit stains. To compensate for the lack of color, don your most interesting pieces to captivate people in a different way. A huge bow hanging off your shirt says “I’m here to sip wine and eat cheese until the night takes a turn and I start to eat wine and sip cheese.” And a miniature suitcase doubling as your purse? Big enough to hold a pair of underwear if aforementioned wine keeps you from getting home that night.
Heat advantage: Besides serving impractical purposes as a makeshift leash or wine bottle holder, a bow around your neck offers a comforting tickle to distract from the hot weather every time the wind blows. The ends can also be used to mop up any sweat that arises. Or what the heck, take your tiny suitcase and jet off to a cooler climate without worrying about excess baggage fees!
WEAR YOUR CALORIES
The look: An ice cream print dress in the summer is almost too in theme to be true. But who cares! It’s hot, you’re hot, strangers may ask to lick you… it’s a win-win for all! Don’t let the dress have all the fun though and rock out with your socks out as the cherry on top (or below, whatever…).
Heat advantage: You may melt, but at least your dress won’t! Happy sweating!