It has been scientifically proven that when Indian women hit age 40 and above (medically classified as “aunties“), they develop an eye condition that causes them to brazenly gawk at fellow brown brethren. Doctors have termed this malady “Shameless Tactless Annoying Rude Intense Nosy Glares” or STARING for short.
Symptoms of STARING include:
- An uncontrollable urge to look at any other Indian whether you know them or not.
- Openly ogling another person’s appearance, clothes and who they’re with.
- Unashamed eye contact with the recipient of your stare.
- A false belief of possessing X-ray vision that causes the starer to continue gazing for long periods of time.
- Being unable to comprehend that such behavior is rude and makes others feel uncomfortable.
Modern medicine is confounded as to whether aunties are born with the staring gene, or if they naturally become more
nosy, meddlesome, prying, annoying, curious over time.
With no cure in sight, I decided it was imperative to take matters into my own hands.
My research has led me to conclude that the only way to help the afflicted is to teach them how to be more incognito while staring. To do that, I went undercover as a staring auntie to determine the best way to make the experience more pleasant for all.
Here are my findings:
The first rule of staring should probably be “don’t do it”, but since that’s not applicable here, it’s wise to throw people off through your appearance. Let’s start with the clothes – the trick is to deceive people into thinking you’re extremely sophisticated and refined.
There’s nothing classier than the black and white combo – after all, you’re showing the world you have more important things to do than worry about colors, let alone waste your time on futile actions like looking at other people. Your lack of hues will also help you appear harmless and blend in with the crowd – but joke’s on them as this is all a ruse to help you get your staring on!
With your chic monochrome base already fooling people into thinking that you possess an air of elegance, now it’s time to polish the look. A neck scarf would be the wise choice; for practical purposes, it helps prop your head up and alleviate any tired neck muscles that may result from staring in too many directions.
For image purposes, your savvy scarf will distract people into thinking that you’re on your way to an important ladies’ luncheon to support some noble cause, or that you’re a powerful businesswoman heading out to rendezvous with your younger French lover on your lunch hour. In either case, no one will assume that you actually waste your time eyeing other people.
While any curry comrade may be a suitable target of staring, it’s more often directed towards younger women, especially those wearing “indecent” clothing and/or walking around unchaperoned with men.
The only way to ensure that you are able to spot your prey is to tower above the general public. As such, a minimum of four inches on your shoes is a must; platforms are recommended as staring is best done while traversing streets, shopping malls and other locations on foot. It’s not as satisfying to stare at someone when they can’t feel your gaze.
Hats look cool and will help shield your face while staring, but they are completely optional if you just got your hair done at the salon and don’t want to ruin it.
Victims of staring have tried to combat the looks by staring back, but nothing can break the all-powerful gaze.
Oversized shades are the most important element for effortless staring, and it’s also more subtle for those who are being stared at. You can ogle to your eyes’ content while the staree will never know that you’re judging her super short skirt or the mere fact that she exists. It’s a win-win for all!